


Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

by AlexNoelFieldingFan



Series: Actual Craziness [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Actual madness, Book 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Crack, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Trans Harry Potter, You might be able to figure out what this is, but I won't tell you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29681640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexNoelFieldingFan/pseuds/AlexNoelFieldingFan
Summary: I don't even know.If a plot materialises I will put it here.
Series: Actual Craziness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181114





	1. Surviving Boy

Harry Potter woke up in her cupboard under the stairs.

She heard her Aunt Dursley knocking on the door.

"Potter! Wake up! You have to make breakfast!"

Harry almost crawled out of bed and threw a few clothes on, before cracking the door open. Aunt Dursley wasn't outside, she must have gone to the kitchen already. Harry stood up, streatching her arms and looking through the small window by the door onto the street outside. She looked out on little Wing, the town her and her 'family' lived in. They were family technically, but she had never really considered them as such. A small town on the border between London and Surrey, she wasn't sure which. She wasn't sure it mattered.

"Potter! Hurry up!"

She hurried to the kitchen, where Aunt Dursley handed her a frying pan with two rashers of bacon in. "Do the bacon first, then the eggs. And be quick about it, Harris' friends are coming round today."

Harry groaned internally, she had forgotten about Harris' friends. Harris, her cousin, wasn't all that bad really, but Aunt Dursley and Uncle Vernon would tell her off if she so much caught the eye of any of them, claiming she was 'interrupting her cousin'. She knew really they just didn't want her to have any contact with the outside world, they wouldn't let her go to school if they were allowed.

She served up the bacon and eggs to the others, but Harris was the only person to give her a bit of a grateful smile. She wouldn't if her parents could see. Aunt Dursley left her one fried egg for herself, which she was actually quite surprised about, although it might mean she wouldn't get any lunch today. Just as she was finishing up her egg, there was a knock at the door. She took all the plates to wash them up, her eyes avoiding Harris' friends in case her aunt or uncle yelled at her. She heard their voices in the hallway, and finished up the washing before scampering off to the garden. Hopefully she could avoid them there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might seem like it ended very abruptly. It did, you're going to have to deal with that. You will also very soon find out that many of the names are similar and nobody will comment on that. Again, suck it up, sorry.


	2. Lost Glass

Harry sat in the garden, one of the few moments of peace she had in this house. Aunt Dursley was busy doting over Harris and his friends and Uncle Vernon was busy in the attic. Harry kept an ear on what was happening in the house, expecting them to go straight up to Harris' room to play video games. She didn't expect, however, for them to head directly for the garden.

"Harry!" Harris said, surprised, when he saw her.

"Oh, Harris, hey, I can go."

Harry could see a vague sense of fear in Harris' eyes, and knew he could see the same in her's. His friends were starting to look slightly confused. But, in the end, Harris seemed to come to a resolution. "No, you can stay. Guys, this is my cousin Harry. Harry, this is Chuck Harry and Dandari."

"Hey." She wasn't quite sure she should do this, but there was something rebellious in her. I mean, Aunt Dursley wouldn't know for now, and what's really the worst that could happen?

She didn't know she was about to find out.

It went fine, at first. Chuck Harris and Dandari were quite nice, and it was nice to actually spend time with Harris for once. When Harris actually got drinks for her and his friends, it seemed like heaven.

It started when Dandari did a magic trick. He pulled a couple of cards out of his pocket, got Chuck Harry to pick one and managed to guess what the card was. Everyone was very impressed, and Harry wanted to do the same. Harry wanted them to be just as impressed.

She took the now empty glass in front of her, closed her eyes, focussed her mind on it...

Chuch Harry screamed.

She looked down to see the trick had worked, the glass was gone, and the three boys in front of her looked absolutely terrified. She grinned, confused. What was really the difference between what she had done and Chuck Harry's trick? Just because they didn't know how it was done... she didn't know how his was done.

The scream attracted Aunt Dursley to the garden. A quick glance at the scene, the three boys watching Harry, terrified, she knew what had happened.

"Harry!" Harry didn't think she had ever heard such anger in her aunt's voice. "Go to your room!"


	3. No Letter

Harry had been in her cupboard for a week now, not even able to stand up, pitiful amounts of food sent through the door a few times a day, when Aunt Dursley remembered. She woke up, the familliar pangs of hunger in her stomach, and she blinked the sleep out of her eyes. She pulled a lightswitch, and lit up the cupboard, showing something she hadn't expected to see.

A letter.

A piece of paper, written and sealed somehow. She turned it over, slowly, and saw her address. Harry Potter, The Cupboard Under The Stairs, No. 4 Privet Drive, Little Wing. The strangest thing was that it was written in her handwriting. Her handwriting, with one of the cheap biros she'd smuggled into the cupboard. She turned it over, just about to open it, when the door opened.

Aunt Dursley was at the door, and she stared in horror at the letter. She dropped the slice of bread she was holding to grab it out of her hands.

"Vernon!" she shouted.

"Give it to me! I wrote it!"

She wasn't listening, she was looking at a symbol in the corner that Harry hadn't seen before. It looked like a crest, but she couldn't quite see it. Vernon ran down stairs, and took the letter from her.

"Is this..." he asked, looking at his wife fearfully. She nodded. He opened the letter and read it, eyes wide.

"Let me read it! I wrote it!" Harry shouted, but Vernon looked at her angrily.

"If you wrote it you'd know what it said. Get back in your cupboard."

Aunt Dursley almost stuffed her back in her cupboard and slammed the door, locking it afterwards. The mystery was very strange, but all Harry could think about was how the slice of bread was stuck, eternally, on the other side of the door.

The next morning, Harry was awoken by Harris running down the stairs directly over her head.

"Dad!" He shouted.

"What is it?" She could hear Vernon ask.

"There's letters all over my bed, they're addressed to Harry! They've got her cupboard on and everything."

She heard Vernon growl slightly, and march up the stairs. There was silence for a moment, before he stomped back down.

"Dad, what are you doing with them? We should give them to her!"

"They're going in the fire, where they belong." As he stomped past her cupboard, he banged on the door with his foot. "You hear that, girl? I won't take any of this nonsense."

She stayed quiet, there was no good in speaking back. She wanted food today. She heard the fire roar, and disappointment settled in her stomach.

The next day, it seemed to be Aunt Dursley's turn to wake her up with a shout.

"Vernon!"

"Dursley, what is it?"

There was silence for a moment, as he looked at whatever it was. Harry's mind was racing with possibilities. Luckily, she didn't have to think for long. Vernon slid open the lock and pulled her out of her cupboard, bradishing something at her.

"What is this?"

It was a rocket. Small, like a child's rocket, painted red with the word 'DURSLEY' written on the side in white paint. Another letter was attached with a rubber band. Aunt Dursley looked terrified.

"What is this, girl?" Vernon asked again.

"I don't know."

Vernon swallowed, he knew she was telling the truth. He knew who the true culprit was.

"Pack a bag. Bring... whatever you have. We're leaving in ten minutes."

It didn't take Harry ten minutes to pack everything she owned, although the three of them were waiting for Harris for quite some time. When he finally came downstairs, Vernon bundled them into the car and they drove in silence for hours. Eventually, he led them from the car and they stood on the docks of a small fishing town, lokoing down at a rickety boat.

"Get in!" Vernon shouted, and none of them dared disagree. The sea was choppy and trecherous, but they made it across to a small hut on a rock, in the middle of the sea. Harry lay down to sleep on the cold, hard floor, and her eyes started to drift close.


	4. The Key to Security

"Gamma, you're going to Astronomical Tower. Zeta, Gryffindor Tower. Lambda, you're going to the dungeons. Take your teams, and move fast. We have to be in and out of here within the hour. Got it?"

"Got it, Alpha," Zeta said, and the other two nodded. They looked at one another, and emerged from the forests. They moved swiftly and silently, their dark clothes blending into the shadows cast across the field. Alpha headed straight to the entrance hall, and began to search through the classrooms around the great hall. Nothing there. As he was searching a transfiguration classroom, he felt something in his pocket glow hot. He took it out and looked at it.

'Found it,' followed by a few coordinates which wouldn't make sense to anyone not in the castle that night. He rushed up to a classroom near the Gryffindor common room.

"Is this it?"

Zeta nodded. "I think so."

She gestured to the mirror that stood obviously in the center of the room. Like he hadn't seen it.

"Is Omega here?"

"He'll be up in a second."

At that moment, the door burst open.

"Omega, quick," Alpha said, moving Omega in front of the mirror. He squinted into it, confused for a moment, before smiling slightly.

"I know. I know how to get back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment I wrote the name omega, I had abo flashbacks. Don't worry, there's no abo in this, I just thought they were cool codenames.


	5. Diagonal Alley

Harry woke up with a start, suddenly remembering the date. The thirty first of July. Her eleventh birthday. The sky was still dark, and she wondered what time it was. She watched the darkness, unable to get back to sleep in what felt like sub-zero temperatures, although that was unlikely. As the first rays of sunlight broke the horizon, she heard something outside. Could they be footsteps? Could that be someone loitering outside? Could that shadow on the window... could that be a person?

The door opened, and Harry felt her breath stop in her throat. A figure was sillhouetted against the doorway.

"Wh-"

Harris jerked awake, and Dursley and Vernon appeared at the doorway. Dursley was the person who reacted first, and Harry heard her gasp.

"James-James?"

Harry looked back at the figure, daring to hope. James-James Potter, he knew that name. Could this really be his father? He looked young - too young, maybe, but what would Harry know? She'd never seen a picture of her dad, but he looked just like her, and if Dursley recognised him...

"Harry?" He said, his voice deep and comforting.

"Are you-"

"Harry, come with me, quickly. We don't have much time."

She looked around, and her eyes alighted on her cousin. He nodded slightly, smiling, and she smiled back, before turning to the man. She didn't trust him, not entirely - how could she? But anything was better than staying here.

Her aunt and uncle didn't even stop her as she left, and got into the much more sturdy boat that the man brought on the now-calm sea. Dursley did, however rush to stop the man leaving. She looked into his eyes, frowning.

"Who are you?"

He smiled, sadly. "Goodbye, Dursley."

* * *

He joined Harry in the boat, watching the girl stare at him in fascination, as he began to row out to shore. He realised he couldn't use magic, yet, he hadn't even explained who he was yet, let alone why he was here.

"Are you... my dad?"

He shook his head. "Sorry, I'm not." He sort of wished he were. If James-James Potter were here right now... maybe everything would be okay.

"Who are you, then?"

Should he even say? "I'm a friend. Oh, I have something for you."

He reached into his jacket and pulled something out of the pocket, and handed it to Harry. Harry stared at it. There was something... unnerving. She wanted to read it, of course, she'd wanted to read it since she'd first seen it, but there was something about it. A letter written in her handwriting, addressed to her, but she had no idea whatsoever what was inside. She broke it open.

Dear Harry Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress.

"What is this?" Harry asked. She didn't quite know what to make of it.

"It's your acceptance letter. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry, you're a wizard."

"Witch?" She asked.

"Oh, sure. Is that your only problem with this?"

"I don't know."

He smiled at her, he knew what was going on in her head. "I know you've done magic before. Just the other day, in fact."

"How do you know that?" The disappearing glass, was that really magic? She didn't know how she did it, she didn't know how she did a lot of things.

"I know a lot of things. I know you're a wizard."

"Oh." Her mind was racing. "Is this real? This isn't... I don't know..." she couldn't think of anyone who cared about her enough to prank her.

"This is real, Harry. Watch." He put the oars in their holders and took a small stick out of his jacket. It looked like a magic wand. He waved it over the boat and it kept moving towards the shore faster than before. Harry might have thought that it was just a coincidence, was it not for the sparks that gently floated from the wand, seeming to propel the boat forward.

"Wow."

"That's nothing, come on. I'm taking you to Diagon Alley."

"What's that?"

"A magical street in London, come on."

The boat gently bumped up against the land and the man helped Harry out.

"How will we get to London? Do you have a car?"

The man shook his head. "Come with me."

Harry followed him to an alleyway near the docks, and checked to see nobody was watching. "Okay, hold onto my arm tightly, and don't let go."

Harry took his arm and nodded, gripping it as tightly as she could. The man turned, and suddenly it was like she was falling through nothingness, until the ground seemed to come up to meet her feet. Suddenly she was back in reality, still holding onto his arm, and she nearly fell over. She was almost sick.

"Sorry about that, it's not pleasant, but I don't have much time."

"Right," Harry replied, trying not to be sick. She looked up, to see she was in a similar alleyway. She could hear a large crowd of people nearby, and the man led her out into the busy streets of London. She stared around in wonder, she'd never actually been to London before, but the man barely looked around before marching her towards the pub on the other side of the street. He'd put his hood up, you could hardly see his face. He bustled her through the pub quickly until they were out the other side, and tapped a brick on the wall with his magic wand. It wiggled slightly, before opening up.

Harry could hardly believe her eyes. If London was nothing like she'd seen before, then this was a whole other planet. Little Wing was full of new builds, there was no history, but this was like stepping back in time to one of those fantasy books Harris had smuggled to her. The clothes, the buildings, even the smells were completely new. She couldn't believe her eyes.

The man laughed. "Yeah, it's a lot to take in. Come on, hurry up."

They headed straight down the street, while Harry tried to see everything on either side. They came to a tall, white building, with Gringotts emblazoned over the doorway.

"The wizard bank," the man told her. "You need money, and your parents left it for you here."

"My parents..." she thought about all those images she'd constructed about them in her mind over the years. "Did you know them?"

"Not personally, no."

"Do you actually look like him?"

He nodded. "I do. I really do."

"How come? Who are you?"

He didn't seem to listen, as he headed to the front of the line and presented a key to the... thing that sat there. It seemed to accept it, and led the two of them off.

"What is that?" she whispered.

" _He_ is a goblin. And don't stare, it's rude."

She nodded as they climbed into something. It looked like a rollercoaster. As they climbed into it, it started to move. Harry had never been on a rollercoaster before, but she suspected one would be like this. They raced down, down and down, and she started to shiver. Her summer clothes weren't ready for this cold, and it reminded her of the night before on the cold hut floor. When they arrived, the cart slowed to a stop, and the goblin stroked the door. It opened slowly, to reveal piles of gold. More money than Harry had seen in her life.

"Is that all mine?"

The man nodded.

Harry darted forward and stuffed as much gold as she could into her purse and pockets. "Is that enough?" she asked.

"More than enough. Come on."

She stepped back on the cart and they rollercoaster-ed back up to ground level. The man led her out into the street to get things for school. It didn't take long as he rushed her around getting books, cauldrons, robes and suchlike. The wand was the most exciting thing, as she stood in a stifling little room and waved small pieces of wood around. Eventually a few red sparks came out the tip of one of them. It was like the first proper bit of magic she'd ever done, and she watched excitedly as the scary wandmaker packaged it up for her.

They went for lunch afterwards, in the real world. The normal world.

"I have to go now."

"Do I have to go back?"

He shook his head. "Not right now, I can't send you back there. You can stay at the Three Broomsticks, I've talked to Tom, you'll be safe there. Just don't come out to the Muggle - the non-magical - world."

"Great." Harry smiled into her burger, she didn't want to ever go back there.

He looked at her for a moment. "Is there anything else you want to do while I'm here? In the Muggle world?"

"Like what?"

He shrugged. "Maybe... get your hair cut."

It hadn't occured to her, but she did. She was... free. Aunt Dursley had never let her cut her hair short, but she'd always wanted it more than anything. Hair more like this man's, short and curly and more... right. "How did you know?"

He kept eating for a moment. "This is going to sound weird, but... you don't have to be a girl you know."

"What?"

"There's a choice. People don't tell you there is, especially in the Muggle world, but if you don't want to be you don't have to be. There are other options."

She thought for a moment. "Can you read my mind?"

"Maybe a little bit. But if you want to be a boy you can be. If you want to be a boy, you are one."

Harry thought for a moment. "So I - I'm a boy?"

The man didn't want to tell the kid who they were but sometimes you just had to. He knew it was helpful. "Yeah. You are."

"And I can get a hair cut?"

"And I can get everyone at Hogwarts to call you a boy. And they will, trust me."

"Wow." It had always sort of been a pipe dream, something he'd never actually dreamed would happen. But... maybe he could? "Thanks."

"No problem."

* * *

"Is it time for you to go now?" Harry asked a little later, sadly. His hair had been cut and he stood in a small room above the three broomsticks the man had procured for him.

"Almost." The man looked just as sad, but in a different way. "There's something I have to tell you, something I've been putting off. You know your scar?"

"I got it when my parents died."

"You did, yeah. But a man gave you that scar. And that man's name is Voldemort. I think there's a reason I was sent here, and I think the reason is to tell you this. So remember this, please, more than anything else I've told you."

"Okay." Harry said tentatively.

"Voldemort killed your son. And the witch's parents."

"What?"

"I don't know what it means either, I'm sorry. But I was told it, a long time ago, and I think I have to tell you."

"Right. Who's the witch?"

"I know as much as you do, I'm sorry. I have to go now."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye. Goodbye, Harry Potter."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I do expect you to take the name James-James Potter completely seriously, I do apologise.  
> Also I really hope you know who the man is it's hard to tell how obvious it is but I think I made it very very obvious, obviously you shouldn't tell kids what their gender identity is or whatever.


	6. 9 quarters and 3/4 tours of the platform

Harry arived at platform 9 quarters on the first of September after a month in the wizarding world. He'd learnt a lot, and even met a few students coming through to get their supplies for Hogwarts. He took out the ticket. Platform 9 quarters. He looked up and down, but there was no platform 9 quarters to be seen. He caught sight of an official-looking man.

"Excuse me, sir, could you... erm... help me find something?" He didn't want to say platform 9 quarters.

"What is it you're looking for, kid?"

"I'm... erm... not sure."

"Okay, well..." the man showed him all the platforms, all the shops, the ticket office, but Harry excused himself before he was finished as platform 9 quarters clearly wasn't here. Was this even the right place?

"Harry!"

"Ron!"

Harry caught sight of a boy he'd met in Diagon Alley, carrying a trunk very similar to his. He breathed a sigh of relief, he was in the right place.

"I thought I'd see you!"

"Yeah. Do you know how to get onto the platform?"

Ron nodded, and led him over to his mum, who was waiting. "You just have to run through the wall."

Harry looked at the wall between platforms two and three. "Run... through... the wall?"

"Yeah." Ron seemed nervous too.

"It's not as scary as it's sounds," Ron's mum assured the boys. "Just take a run, and you'll be there."

Harry and Ron looked at one another, and Ron grabbed onto Harry's hand with vague fear. They ran together through the wall, and arrived. They were there, on platform 9 quarters, looking at a scarlet steam train waiting to take them to Hogwarts. Ron's mum followed them.

"Come on, boys, you'd better get onto the train before it's two late."

They nodded, and Harry rushed off to get a compartment as Ron said goodbye to his mum. Just as Ron entered the compartment the train started moving, and they waved goodbye to his mum on the platform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This doesn't affect you but I have started imagining the avpm versions of all these characters. I can't help it.


	7. Hat for taxonomy

The train slowed to a stop in what was now the darkness, and they took the boats to the magnificent castle that was Hogwarts. They were greeted by five teachers on entrance, who introduced themself as Professors Gryffindor, Rashid, Shepel Puff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. They explained that everyone would be put into one of their houses.

They walked up to the great hall, and saw a hat sitting on a stool. All five tables sat, watching it. A boy called Guinea was called up first. The hat thought for a moment, before calling "RAVENCLAW" out to the entire hall.

The crowd thinned as people were sorted and joined the respective tables. After "Patil, Parvati" was sorted into Gryffindor, Harry was called. He sat on the chair, and heard the hat whisper into his ear.

"Well, where to put you? Hmm... you don't have much Rashid in you, or Slytherin. The others might suit but, I think I know where to put you. Yes, it's clear. You belong in GRYFFINDOR!"

It shouted that out to the entire room, and Harry sat down on a cheering red table. He sat next to a boy called Herminio and oppposite a girl called Alice, who he'd watched been sorted earlier. When Ron was also sorted into Gryffindor, he was seated on Harry's other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the chapter lengths are incredibly erratic.


	8. Primary Filter

At breakfast the next day, with Ron and Herminio, Harry watches some dispute happening on the neighbouring Slytherin table between two boys.

"Well the Slaternica doesn't want you, anyway!" one of the boys shouted.

"I don't care about your stupid little organisation, Maragi. How many members do you have anyway, three? I don't even know if it's that many."

"It's only just started, Drasko. We're going to be bigger than... than everyone here!"

"Unlikely. I don't care about your dumb little club. Shove off."

"What is the Slaternica club?" Harry whispered to Ron and Herminio, but they shrugged.

"He probably made it up," Herminio said, and Harry supposed it would make sense from what he had heard. Later that day was the first flying lesson of the term.

"Welcome, Gryffindors, to your first flying class," Professor Gryffindor said. "Now, I don't expect you to be perfect on your first time, but pay attention and you won't get hurt. Okay?"

"Okay," the class chanted in reply, standing by their brooms. Harry eyed his tentatively.

"Now, I want you to put your hand over your broom and shout, up! If you do it correctly, your broom should fly into your hand."

"Up!" The class shouted, and Harry's broom leaped into his hand, although it was one of only a few that did. Ron's sort of half-leaped into his hand, and Herminio's hardly moved.

After everyone had mounted their brooms, Professor Gryffindor instructed them to sit on the brooms and how to fly. By the end of the class, Harry had managed to learn a loop-the-loop, while some students could hardly stay on their brooms. Professor Gryffindor kept him behind after class.

"Harry, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah."

"I'm very impressed. You're not experienced enough for me to offer you for the Quidditch team, but I think I'd like to refer to for the Griffin Doll. That's what we call the reserve team. There, you can gain the necessary experience to maybe join next year. I've no doubt you'll be the star."

"Thank you, professor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you see my own confusion with what the fuck Slaternica is in this chapter. You should.


End file.
